The (ex) Gaffer Tapes!

Champion Hill, Chelski & “The Rabblers”…what more could you want in life?
Nowadays young pups in the professional game seem to write their life story before they’re out of nappies. It’s not as if they need the money! But what they can never achieve is the honour of being interviewed by ‘yours truly’ for our ‘Rabbers’ blog here.

Almost two months ago now Larry Marsh took time out to pop round to ‘Rabbler Mansions’ to become our latest’ victim’ under the spotlight. Apologies to him for the long delay in writing it up, but it does take a lot of work to complete an interview such as this. (From setting the questions to conducting it, then typing it up, takes around twelve hours work in total!) So here’s what he had to say, at least I think it is!

Rabbler: So how long have you been supporting Dulwich Hamlet?

Larry: Since about 1990, about eighteen years ago, I was twelve years old. I can’t remember exactly when. My dad took me. I do recall it was at home to Hitchin Town & we went in the seats. They scored just as we got to the top of the stairs, as I recall. They got a penalty in the second half, and we lost two nil. We always went in the seats then, at the old ground. It wasn’t until we had to groundshare at Sandy Lane that we started standing behind the goal on the terracing.

Rabbler: And how long has your dad Alan been a Hamlet fan?

Larry: He’d seen a few matches before, but started going properly as I kept on badgering him to take me watch football, and we couldn’t really afford professional football all the time, so he took me to Champion Hill. For which I’m extremely grateful, I’ll add! Thanks dad!

Rabbler: Although he doesn’t pop down to Champion Hill that often nowadays is there still any chance of a ‘father & son’ partnership for “The Rabblers”?

Larry: Yes that would be good, I’ve never mentioned it to him, and I don’t think he would, as he’s long since retired from playing. I think he did keep goal on one of our teams in a tournament once, so he has turned out for us before. I haven’t given up hope, as he’s still younger than Hutty!

Rabbler: I believe your younger brother Alex once wore the famous “Pink ‘n’ Blue”?

Larry: Yes, that’s true, he did. He played for Bernard Shannon’s Junior side, when he was ten or eleven for a season., but I don’t think he really wanted to play organised football, just playing for fun.

Rabbler: When did you first start playing for the Supporters’ Team?

Larry: A good few years ago now, I believe it was when I was about sixteen or so. My debut, from memory I think I’m right, was at home to Aylesbury United supporters’, at the Mary Datchelor ground, by the Tollgate. I do remember getting fouled to win us a penalty, though it wasn’t so much ‘won’ as ‘clear-cut’, and went off soon after. I seem to recall Shaun Dooley was player-manager at the time, and it’s marvelous that he’s returned to the side this season, having dusted down his old boots.

Rabbler: So it’s been quite a while that you’ve been turning out for us then. What do you recall about those earlier days?

Larry: That’s no so easy to answer. It’s hard to recall exactly what happened & when. I certainly used to enjoy going to play teams like Hitchin, Chesham & Bishops’ Stortford They weren’t like friends as such, but you got to know them all through playing them at football each year, and they were the First Team matches you looked forward to, to renew old acquaintances. There was a good atmosphere surrounding those matches. Not taken too seriously, but in a good spirit. Fun! No ‘big tackles’, as Nicolas from Belgium puts it!

Rabbler: You went on to manage the Supporters’ Team for around four years. How enjoyable-or not!- was that? And did it differ to ‘just playing’?

Larry: It was a good experience, but hard work at the same time! It’s so much more than matchday. Organising games, and tours. Sorting out the squad on the day, not knowing who’s going to show, or cry off. I was extremely lucky to have Andy Tucker at my side helping me along the way. Though when we lost it was down to him, the wins were down to me! It’s not the easiest of things to concentrate on your own game while trying to make sure the team are playing as you want them to. Despite that it was still more enjoyable than just playing because you got to see new players get to know the others, you could bring them along and watch them blossom. To see players enjoy themselves and be part of that was very rewarding.

Rabbler: So how does it feel to be ‘just a player’ again?

Larry: Umm, well just to be able to turn up and play without the ‘matchday worries’ is different! To be honest I think we had done all we could in our four years, and were slowly running out of ideas really. I felt it was time for someone else to pick up the baton from us. Mick & Hutty are doing a good job, as they settle into their new roles.

Rabbler: For quite a few years you were involved in the Dulwich Sea Cadets. From looking after youngsters to managing ‘The Rabblers’. Which was harder?

Larry: (laughs!) That’s a good question! I’d have to say ‘The Rabblers’ were easier to look after, so to speak. Take our tours as a case in point. Everyone knew how to muck in, and made their own way to places, apart from the occasional individual, such as Myles Quinn, who should really know better at his age!

Rabbler: On a few occasions you managed to arrange ‘rattling tin’ collections for the Sea Cadets at Hamlet games. What exactly did the Sea Cadets do? And what were your highlights with them?

Larry: It was really a youth club, but with a slightly more disciplined theme running through it, with a uniform. It was rewarding taking lads sailing and canoeing for example. Seeing them develop as individuals, and seeing them take part in things they certainly wouldn’t have done otherwise. I started off as a teenager in the Cadets myself, and when I turned eighteen I helped out as an adult. I loved the experiences it gave me, both as a cadet, and as a leader. I took part in a number of big events as a cadet. I was part of guards of honour at both Trafalgar Square & Horseguards Parade, & once met the Duke of Edinburgh. I was also onboard the T.S. Royal when it was moored in the Pool of London next to HMS Belfast, and was introduced to Prince Andrew. As a member of staff, later, it was a rewarding experience to see kids leave the group as confident young adults, having come in at twelve quite timid, and leave at eighteen as confident, mature young men and women. I just wish some of ‘ The Rabblers’ (no names mentioned, James) would grow up like them too!

Rabbler: Now you’re a teacher, still on a naval them almost, at the school you went to as a pupil London Nautical. It must have seemed like a doddle going into a classroom of teenagers, having tried to keep ‘The Rabblers’ in order for four years?

Larry: No, nothing of the sort! When a classroom of teenagers want to make days difficult for you it can seem like there’s nothing you can do. There’s no rhyme or reason to it, it can be something as ordinary as it’s raining outside, or that they’ve had too many sweets at lunchtime that can set them off; but like football tactics do come into play. It can be about positioning. Some kids you simply can’t have sitting next to each other, as they’ll make too much noise or play up. Other pupils work well together. It can be really hard work being a teacher, but when a lesson comes off well, everyone working and chatting to contribute, it is a good feeling that last all day, maybe even better than scoring a goal!

Rabbler: You’re also a Chelsea fan. Are you one of the Abramovich glory hunters then? Or were you there for that Simod Cup game?

Larry: Ha! I can’t remember who that was against, but it was the lowest ever crowd at the Bridge. If you believed everyone then there would have been over a hundred thousand squeezed in that night! But, no, I’m not a new fan, attracted by the rouble years. My dad watched them in the sixties and seventies, so he would have been the Chelsea glory hunter in the family. He used to take me to the occasional game when I was growing up, I have always felt that if you claim to support a team you should watch them at least once a year, no matter where they play, or-as in nowadays- how hard or expensive –how hard it is to get tickets. When I previously worked at the Cabinet Office one of my mates & his dad were season ticket holders at Chelsea, and I went with them, when one was spare, it was when Ranieri was in charge, so although recent, I was also going before Abranovich, and I’ve also been to quite a few away games over the years. I’ve been to all the London ones. But the most memorable one was against Manchester United, going to Old Trafford and winning three nil; Hasselbank scoring, & Gudjohnsen getting the other two. Mind you the next year I went up there in for a League Cup tie and we lost 1-0, there was a ch from work. I’m not sure how many times I’ve been up there, off the top of my head I think it’s five matches. Which is a lot more than the majority of so-called Manchester United fans from London can claim!

Rabbler: It’s not just football you like though, is it? You love most sports. Be it rugby league, cricket, ice hockey, basketball and athletics. What’s the attraction of these?

Larry: Well with the athletics I try to get to Crystal Palace most years for the big summer meeting. I’ve seen most of the star names appear there in the past. Michael Johnson, Kelly Holmes, Jonathan Edwards, Hail Gabr Selassie, to name a few. I’ve also seen the Indoor Athletics Championships, up in Birmingham.
I try to get to Rugby League, and used to watch the London Broncos, when they played at Brentford. Now they’re Harlequins, at The Stoop. I don’t go that often because it’s not as cheap as it was. I also try to get along to our local amateur club, South London Storm, who are based near Thornton Heath. There’s quite a few Dulwich fans ho pop along there in the summer. One game I do remember was at Griffin Park, England versus New Zealand, about three seasons ago. A cracking game. As was a sixteen all draw with Wigan last season, when I was sitting with Hutty. Before that match Storm took on St Albans, which we lost, which was a shame for me, but the actual game must have impressed the neutrals who had got there early, and shown them how strong amateur rugby league can be down south, outside it’s traditional northern heartlands. I also went to the Challenge Cup Final a couple of years ago when St Helens beat Huddersfield, at Twickenham. Which is the only reason I’d go there, as I find the union code a boring game, for pompous people, enjoyed by deluded fools such as Griff!
I used to be a big fan of basketball. And went to watch Crystal Palace up at the National Sportscentre. When I was about 10 or 11 I went to a basketball school, and I was at least four years younger than most of the others taking part. But the actual Crystal Palace players themselves who were coaching, looked out for me, & I got to know them, one of whom was Paul Stimpson, the England captain. I supported them for quite a few years, but they went bust, and merged with Bracknell. They re-formed, and worked their way up the leagues, before being killed by a’ merger’ with London Towers, which was a takeover in all but name. They played at Crystal Palace, in London Towers kit, with all London Towers players, under the London Towers name. Some merger! I played a little basketball when I was at college, but it wasn’t much fun. For a non-contact psort people copied the NBA ‘attitude’, much as kids nowadays ape spoilt brat, whinging, cheating, Premiership footballers, on the telly.
As for cricket, well I try and get down to The Oval to watch our local team Surrey every year. I like the modern format of the 20/20 games, where you can catch a good game after work. I’ve been to Lords, to see the away ‘derby’ with Middlesex, but it was a different atmosphere, less relaxed, being more stuck up, in the old blazer & tie time warp. Though 20/20 cricket is changing that, there is a still a remnant of that old, snooty ethos, that exists, which makes it all the more sweeter when Surrey win there!
I go to a Test match at The Oval every year, with Bill Azzi, who books tickets for a few of us from the Champion Hill terraces, and that’s always a good day out.
And with the ice hockey. I’m also a fan of our local team Streatham Redskins, along with a number of other Hamlet fans. I used to go to the defunct Elite League side London Knights, but although the hockey was a higher standard, it never felt like a ‘real’ club, whereas Streatham is. The best moment with the Redskins was undoubtedly beating the pikeys from Invicta at home, for the first time last season. It doesn’t get much better than that. It really is like ‘tooting v. Dulwich’ on skates!

Rabbler: During your time as “Rabblers” manager, with Andy Tucker at your side, what was the pinnacle of being the gaffer?

Larry: Domestically, it is, without a doubt, when we traveled all the way up to Crewe, and beat them, in the National IFA Cup. From a personal point of view, I’d been out the night before & had only got about three hours sleep, and everyone thought it would be quite funny to keep me awake on the coach! Despite it being such a long trip, and us the underdogs, we weren’t nervous. We had nothing to lose, and it was ‘our day’. Messing about on the coach helped, with the hugely silly raffle on board, and we won 2-0! After they made us welcome in their local pub for a couple of hours, before the long journey home. Another one that sticks in the mind was a defeat! We’ve had lots of those, but what made this one unusual was that it was only 1-0 against Millwall, and usually they comfortably beat us by seven or eight.
Another enjoyable one, in a bizarre way, was in an 8-2 defeat I think, to Fulham. They always stuffed us too, but for twenty five minutes or so we actually matched them! It showed what could be done, bearing in mind that we never train, or take the game seriously, like they do. I’m proud of our team spirit and attitude.

Rabbler: For over a decade one of the highlights of our season was taking part in the Hitchin Tournament. What are your memories of it? Not very good I would guess, as you had a habit of picking up bad injuries there…

Larry: Yes, I was a bit unfortunate in that one! Our best year was 1997, we had two teams in the semi finals, and I was in the B squad, which lost on penalties to prevent an all Pink & Blue final, but we did win the final, which made up for it! Although gutted to lose in the semi, we were all Dulwich together, & it was marvelous to see Steve Child lift the trophy. I’m not sure which year it was, but for a couple of tournaments it ran over two days. They used to let us kip in the bar, but after that it was in the changing rooms. One time our Damon Green hid in the bar when they locked up, and set off all the alarms after the staff had gone home, trying to let us back in for a ‘late one’! They accused Dulwich Hamlet fans of breaking in, which we denied, when the police arrived. Which was true. Damon wasn’t breaking in, he was breaking out! The last tournament they held, I think, was the 2004 one, when we were by far the best team that year, but it poured town with rain, and it was abandoned. They cobbled together some penalty shoot out, and we lost in the semi final of that, despite the fact we were on course ot have won our group and reached the final. To make matters worse that was when we had to dash back to Champion Hill for the First Team promotion play-off with Wealdstone, which we also lost on bloody penalties. Not a good day to say the least.
There was another overnighter when we were drinking in ‘The Cricketers’ over the road, by the big park, and a fight broke out between some locals. Shaun Hackett stepped in to try to split it up, as it spilled outside; and Mishi Morath realised it was kicking off & asked loudly: ‘what side are we on?’
It was at Hitchin where I broke my ankle. I went in for a tackle, & just caught it in the grass. I didn’t realise how bad it was at the time & hoped it would sort itself out for the next game. I came on in a later game, and just walked about the pitch really, and drove the 45 miles home. The next day I couldn’t put any weight on it at all and went to the hospital to have it checked out. They asked me if I liked hospital food, so I knew it was a bit more serious than I first thought! They operated and I had six screws and a plate inserted. I was in plaster on my 21st birthday, though they did let me out on it.
A few years later we were playing a Dagenham & Redbridge so called supporters’ team, & I was done badly by one of them. I say ‘so called’ because though they were wearing Dagenham colours, the Daggers were in the Conference play-off finals that very day, & this lot were just some sort of pub team sent along to replace the supporters’ team. An awful late challenge, with no attempt to go for the ball, caught me halfway up my shins, studs showing, and I broke & dislocated my ankle. I ended up in Stevenage Hospital, and had a plate & screws in that ankle, which are still there. After a couple of days I was sent home, and as if I hadn’t had enough bad luck, it got infected, and I was in hospital again, spending my 25th birthday in Kings’ College! It meant a hell of a lot to me when everyone decided that, as a team, would contact Barry Swain at Hitchin, & told him that if Dagenham were asked back for the next tournament we would refuse to play. Which he agreed to. I also hoped he might get some better quality referees. A few minutes before the assault that did me, the man in black threatened to send me off unless I pulled my socks up, but the challenge on me only got a booking! I think Lucas Green might have got a yellow for protesting about the attack on me, and also got red carded himself! Whilst I have the utmost respect for referees some do bring some of the abuse they get onto themselves by their actions.

Rabbler: Didn’t your unlucky run of injuries make you miss the first ever ‘Rabblers’ tour to Amsterdam in 2002?

Larry: Well I went on the trip, but wasn’t able to play football. I’d had the metal taken out of my foot, but took a bad knock again, not long before we went abroad, this time at the Bishops’ Stortford Supporters’ Tournament. So I still went on the trip, but had to stay on the sidelines. That was a strange competition for us, to say the least, with the ‘young whippersnappers’ Mark Hutton & Phil Baker, with a combined age of over a hundred, being commanded to spearhead the attack! The rest of the team were in two lines of four, in front of a magic mushroom addled Matt Hammond in goal. An ‘eight man defence’ marshaled into two lines of four, that didn’t venture far out of our own penalty box, attempting to hold off an artillery barrage of attacks from our opponents!

Rabbler: So tell us about some of the tours you have been on.

Larry: Well I missed Prague, the following year, as I was in hospital with my leg infected. So my next trip was the one to Rimini, in Italy, in 2004, which was great. I went with Mishi, Big Nose & Hutty, & we spent a week traveling all over Italy. When it came to the tournament it was actually quite an emotional moment for me personally, as I’d not played in the two previous trips abroad. I do recall the fiasco with the passports, when the well over the top, officious Italian organisers asked us to produce ID, even though we hadn’t been told this, and wanted to stop us playing! With our bench of five substitutes having a combined age of over a quarter of a century for our first match we were hardly going to field ringers! If they were the ringers how bad would the players have been they were being imposters of! Thankfully, we managed to negotiate a ‘compromise’ whereby we had to go a mile and a half back down the road to get our passports from our hotel, inbetween this first match & our next one. It was a really long day, with a huge break before our last match, which was at another ground, across town! We played really well, and managed a draw.
I do recall the Myles Quinn fashion parade, as he bought himself a new wardrobe on the Sunday afternoon, and proceeded to model it for us in the street, after he passed some of us relaxing in a pavement bar! Definitely my fondest memory of that trip. Even our waiter had tears rolling down his face! That evening there was a party laid on by the people who ran the competition, and we earned their respect not just by being one of the few teams to bother, but as we chatted they were amazed how we traveled everywhere without our own transport. Myles was, again, the centre of attention, as he wore a fetching Union Jack top, which was two sizes too small for him. He insisted on telling everyone that the shop had told him it was a large. It may well have been, but Myles himself wasn’t a ‘large’, but an XXL, which was why it was so tight!
The following year we went over to Paris, to play Red Star, & I was well pleased to score a hat-trick in our 3-2 win. We never had our strongest team out, but everyone gave their all, and played to the best of their ability. What more can you ask?
Then we went to Belgium to play in the RFC Liege tournament. And we are so lucky we did, for this is where we met Nicolas Lucas, who was ‘guesting’ for Anderlecht supporters. He has since become a personal friend, both him and his partner Danuta, & it is a privilege to be able to call myself a good friend of theirs. They are special people to me. We returned to Belgium, to take part in the competition Nicolas himself organised, by the PSG Belgium fanclub. Where he was a great sport, playing along with the ‘dug test’ wind up on James O’Shaughnessy. As if that wasn’t funny enough he then went on to offer out the entire Anderlecht supporters’ team single handed!
As if the hospitality wasn’t enough in Belgium, Nicolas surpassed himself on our next trip, when we went to Paris to play his PSG Belgians. We would have been happy to play on any local park pitch available, but he managed to secure the use of the actual Paris Saint Germain training ground!
And last summer we went to Estonia, where I was extremely lucky to be forced up front on my own, which was very tiring, but I got some wonderful service from the rest of the team, scoring all six of our goals, which set a new ‘Rabblers’ record for us. Although we lost 10-6, it was a great game to play in, with Madis & his team being great hosts. I’m really looking forward to going there again, & onto Finland, in July. I certainly never thought we’d ever play in somewhere like Estonia, which was part of the old Soviet Union when the Supporters’ Team was formed. It’s amazing how much Europe has changed in the two decades we’ve been playing.

Rabbler: Of course your footballing days nearly came to an abrupt end once, as you nearly wiped out yourself & half the team on the motorway up to Hitchin for an old ‘Canary Cup’ match once…

Larry: Yes, it’s true I suppose. It had been a bad few days weather wise, & to be honest, we were a bit surprised that Hitchin had said the game was still on. What we didn’t know was that the local park keepers had called off all the matches in the area, but had left the goals and nets up, so Hitchin told us the match was going ahead. It was ‘football on ice’! We drove up, you were in the car too, so I don’t know why you’re asking this, but the snow came down again as we were on the motorway, and it turned into an ice rink. We started sliding, and a car behind went out of control and clipped us. We spun round and came to a standstill facing two oncoming juggernauts, who-thankfully-were using all of their professional driving skills to bring the oncoming traffic to a standstill. We still made it to the game, eventually, and I think it was one of Jack McInroy’s first ever games for us, he was magical. It was almost as if he was wearing footballing ice skates. There were no games in the south of England at all, I think that day. Not that it will ever happen again, thanks to global warming!

Rabbler: Moving away from football & things like foreign tours with ‘The Rabblers’, you’ve traveled all over the world yourself. Tease us with some of the great places you’ve been to.

Larry: Where would you like me to start? I’ve been lucky enough to have traveled to a few places. The pyramids in Cairo was one. You see them so much on the telly that you think you’re prepared for them ‘in the flesh’. But when you see them for the first time it takes your breath away to see the scale. On a similar vein, but sort of the opposite, the Taj Mahal was a lot smaller than I expected. I saw some amazing temples in Cambodia, where I was bowled over by how friendly the people were, even after Pol Pot. I visited the Great Wall in China. There a lot of the people stared at you, like you’re some sort of film star, just because you’re tall and white. I also saw the Terracotta Army, which was a great site, so I didn’t bother to visit the British Museum when a small part of it was put on display there not long ago. There are so many other interesting places I’ve seen, and things I could tell you, but this is about football and not me. (Editors note: This answer was heavily ‘edited’ simply because I can’t read my own scribble, and the interview was done so many weeks ago that I can’t recall exactly what Larry said, so I made up the last sentence to ‘round it off’. Sorry!)

Rabbler: A hypothetical question. Anywhere in the world, where would your dream Supporters’ team tour be to?

Larry: Ah, umm,….I suppose personally I’d go for South America because I’ve not been there yet. Playing in Brazil & Argentina would do me. Rio de Janerio & Buanes Aires. From there I would then extend my travels to go to the old Inca sites in Peru, at the top of the mountains. But as a team, I have a little ambition of playing at a National Stadium somewhere, & while it’s not exactly a budget trip, I’d love us to go to Moscow. There was a cricket team themed book called ‘Penguins Stopped Play’ where a local village side played a match on every continent. I’d love us to replicate that in football. It could be feasible for us to go to New York, if we were to shop around for the cheaper flights, but it would take a fair bit or organising to arrange, which would be quite hard work to get to fall into place.
Rabbler: On a more realistic level, where would you like to see us tour, where we haven’t been before that might be achievable? Not that we would have a ‘window’ to fit it in for a few years…

Larry: I’d love to play and beat Barcelona supporters. But I’ve heard they actually ask teams for money to play them, which would go against our ethos completely. Maybe a trip to Lisbon, to take on Benfica supporters’. In fact that might even happen, ‘watch this space’, as they say! Possibly Poland, where they are football crazy, and it’s cheap. That would certainly appeal to me more than somewhere like Bratislava, which Hutty keeps on mentioning. We could also go to Germany on the hundredth anniversary of the First Team touring there, likewise on the centenary of the Hamlet beating Ajax, in Holland!

Rabbler: You do tend to have a bit of a temperament problem on matchdays, have you ever thought of anger management courses?

Larry: No, because it’s simply my passion for the team, and my natural sense of justice. If I do get a bit worked up it actually illustrates how much I care for the side!

Rabbler: Which Dulwich player, past or present, would you say you model your game on?

Larry: That would depend if I was playing up front, or centre back. If in the heart of the back four it would probably Simon Connell, one of the most under-rated players since I’ve been watching. As for anyone else I’d love to say Joe Odegbami, but that’s completely unrealistic, so more like, oh I don’t know, perhaps Carl Bartley, though that isn’t my intention.

Rabbler: So who are your all time three Pink ‘n’ Blue heroes?

Larry: Joe Odegbami. A joy to watch, I doubt if I’ll ever be lucky enough to see such a gifted player in our colours again. The best I’ve ever watched.
Frank Murphy. Probably the most intelligent player I’ve ever seen at our level, I would have loved him to play for us at the peak of his career. And he smoked like a chimney!
Andy Fisher. The embodiment of a perfect captain. He led by example, and gave his all.

Rabbler: Which Supporters’ Team players over the years do you think could have made a good non-league player if they had taken their football seriously, rather than be content in turning out for us?

Larry: Steve Child, without a doubt, who did turn out for the Reserves. But gave up playing to concentrate on refereeing. He’s still young enough to get to the top with the whistle.
Shaun Dooley, who did, of course, have his moment of pre-season First Team ‘glory’ on the First Team tour to the Isle of Wight, about fifteen years or so ago, when he came on a sub at East Cowes Victoria.
Lee Shailer. A quality player. I have no idea why he never played non-league anywhere. Too busy watching the Hamlet, where he never misses a game, according to the last, rare, interview he gave to the press!
Andy Murphy. I believe he did play a decent non-league standard back in his native north-east, which shows each time he has a run out for us. Of course ‘playing at a higher level’ is often in the mind, rather than the body, as someone like Ian Wright is surely testament to! And let’s not forget Andy Tucker. Imagine what a player he could have been if he’d been blessed with human legs rather than the legs of a sparrow!

Rabbler: So, to finish, what would your ‘fantasy’ Supporters’ Team be, through all the years you’ve been involved?

Larry: Oh dear, I’ll have to put on my thinking cap for this one…I suppose I’ll go for the ‘traditional’ 4-4-2 formation.
Matt Hammond in goal. He’s given sterling service over the years over many, many years. If only he could transfer some of the extra inches from his waist to his height he’d be a top notch goalie.
My defence would be Nicolas Lucas; Shaun Dooley; Steve Child & Andy Tucker. Nicolas to bring some international flair into the side. Shaun really could have played at a decent standard, if he’d put his mind to it, instead of concentrating on his ‘cricket practice’. Steve Child, simply one of the nicest & best players we’ve ever had, but chose to further his football career with the whistle. And Andy. So versatile, has probably played in every position for the team, but I’m not sure if that’s just because he can be desperate for a game.
My four in the middle would be Chris Garrett; Andy Murphy; Lee Shailer & Jack McInroy. Some of the runs Chris has made to score are even more amazing when you think his footballing education was on ‘The Shelf’ at White Hart Lane; rather apt when many actually think his footballing career is ‘on the shelf’ turning out for us! Andy Murphy? What can I say about him that hasn’t already been said? Small, furry & ferocious. A complete midfielder. Then Lee. When we have the luxury of him turning up he’s a level above the rest of us. I can’t work out how he misses so many games for us, when he’s only missed a handful of First Team matches over all the years he’s be following us. Well that’s what he told the press… And the ever mercurial Jack. The Frank Murphy of our side, without the fags & pints! Plays like he’s blessed, but then he is a bit closer to ‘him upstairs’ than a lot of us! Probably tries that little bit harder just to keep his mate Wrightie out of the side!
My two up front would be Jamie Wyatt, and a bit of a surprise choice here, Mark Hutton.
Jamie, it goes without saying, from before he developed a love of all things covered in pastry, if you’ve seen him recently he’s a bit of a ‘piemaster general’! And the amount of beer he knocks back probably doesn’t help either! When he used to turn out for us I think he would have been a far better player if he didn’t bring along all his ‘entourage’. Then there’s Hutty. The complete striker, who’s been in the game since the early seventies, maybe before that. A genuine stalwart of AFC Millbank, with team photos to prove it, unlike other ‘hangers on’, who cling onto his coat tails. Even at the sprightly age of 58 he still attempting to add to his goal scoring tally. And just imagine how much of a footballing great he would have been if he’d had two eyes, two decent knees, and more than two strands of hair. Plus, anyone who still turns out for us AND whose dad saw Edgar Kail play, is worth his place in the side for that alone.

So to the substitutes. I’m going to pick five, as is now common in football. Danny King & Andy King I’m going to allow myself the luxury of counting as one player, because they’re brothers. Sorry, Mishi & Ferenc, they’ve just squeezed you out! Lucas Green, alone without his brother Damon, as I’m sorry, good as Damon is, that’s not worthy of a ‘single pairing’ like Danny & Andy! Steve Rickerby; I have to include the luxury of my good self. And the real reason for ‘pairing up’ the King brothers-well I wouldn’t have been able to include the illegitimate offspring of the next Mayor for London Boris Johnson, Gareth Taylor!
Danny, though a tad more tubbier than his younger days, still appears for us when he can. And shows the odd flash of talent even now. His brother Andy was the more gifted, and it’s a shame he doesn’t pull on the shirt anymore. They’d still be quality on the pitch together. Lucas. What can you say? Wears his heart on his sleeve. Usually the sleeve that’s on the arm raised in anger. He has been known to lose it a little, even more than me. Will always be a legend for his heroics in getting to Estonia last year, after he missed his plane due to a railway landslide. And for losing his temper with a Russian taxi driver! Out of all the subs he came closest to being in my first eleven. Steve, AKA Vern! If he ever got down to his younger playing weight he’d have been challenging for the starting line up, and if he could keep the ball a bit lower that the outer orbit at times! For myself, well I think it would be a bit selfish to pick myself, but not so indulgent to enjoy being part of the team I’ve selected by coming off of the bench. And finally Gareth. What can you say about the most under-rated, talented in such an understated untalented way? If only he hadn’t retired from the team all those years ago, when he announced he was hanging up his boots, to Andy, at a Reserve Team match at Uxbridge. Oh what might have been…

Rabbler: I won’t even take offence in not being among your selections, thanks for taking the time out to chat.